Managing resentment can be a difficult emotional challenge. Learning to take hurt and pain less personally can be difficult, but the payoff can be profound.
Imagine this scenario: You experience a loss in your life, and you feel deeply hurt and angry. Rather than turning inward and taking stock, you see yourself as (mostly) blameless. You feel that your anger and hurt is justified. You are wounded, and you’re mad at the person who hurt you. Often, in a scenario such as this, you believe it’s the actions of the other that are the cause of your distress, and not your choice of response.
What may not be fully understood or appreciated is the reality that what the other person did is only half the equation. The other half is how you choose to respond. As long as you feel victimized, you have forfeited your power and agency. And this is how resentment builds.
Realize that, however justified, hurt and anger do not feel good. There are real consequences of those emotions for our sense of happiness and well-being. Holding on to these negative emotions does not help. Your pain has also caused you to lose a sense of control, leading to repetitive negative patterns of thinking or behavior.
The ongoing impact the anger and hurt have on your life and relationships is more consequential than you may realize. A steady stream of cortisol, a hormone released when the body or brain is under stress, can affect sleep, mood, the immune system, and the digestive tract. High cortisol levels have been linked to depression and weight gain. It turns out that what doesn’t feel good emotionally is often not good for you physically, either.
German psychotherapist Karen Horney popularized the idea of the “tyranny of the shoulds,” which are rigid beliefs that can keep people feeling stuck and hopeless. Some of these ideas might include:
— I should always feel happy
— My partner should make me feel complete
— People should always be fair
— Life shouldn’t be hard or difficult
— My childhood should have been different
Recognizing when you hold beliefs that are too rigid or unrealistic can be the first step towards letting go of resentment.
Imagine that you are driving to work and a rude driver cuts you off. Hanlon’s Razor is a rule of thumb that states, “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by negligence or stupidity.” While it might be tempting to assume the driver intended to be rude or selfish, this may not be the case. People tend to personalize the things that hurt them, assuming they are intentional and malicious, ascribing to others an intent that may be incorrect. When we over-personalize hurt, we risk exaggerating the pain we experience. Exaggerated pain has a tendency to fester, which can then morph into resentment.
The good news is that we have a choice about whether or not to take offense at what others say or do. We can choose to be less hurt by others, as well as to limit the amount of time we remain hurt from the past.
How?
Dr. Frederic Luskin says this: “The ability to live life without taking offense, without giving blame when hurt, and by telling stories that reflect peace and understanding, is a choice that can be practiced.” Studies show that forgiveness leads to better health outcomes than feeling resentment. You have a choice, and as with any skill, competency can be developed with practice.
Forgiveness Is Not:
Forgiveness Is:
Forgiveness is a choice to find peace and let go of pain. You can choose to remain stuck in the pain, or to move on to the potential of the future. None of us can control whether other people in our life are unkind, unfair, dishonest, or even cruel. You can’t expect others or life to always give you what you want. You can’t control the past, but you can control your own effort and intention. You can control how much space resentment takes in your life. It may not be easy to learn, but it is worth the effort.
You are worth it.
If you’d like my help pursuing a path of peace and forgiveness, please reach out to schedule an appointment today!
Ray Myers, LMFT, works in our Plano office and is also available for virtual appointments.
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