Navigating the Aftermath of Betrayal

Betrayal and Its Aftermath

“What now?”

The question comes from a deep place of pain and confusion. It summarizes the angst and fear that arises after betrayal or abandonment—or both. Strategies are needed to navigate this period of upheaval. This is an emotional place where no one wishes to be, a destination where people can go unwillingly, unwittingly, surprisingly.

“What now?”

When the question is unpacked, what it can reveal is layers of confusion. Who am I without this relationship, without this person that I trusted completely? What does it mean when “my person” is the one who has caused me such pain and grief? An added layer of pain is uncovered when the realization dawns that the person usually turned to in times of sorrow is not only unavailable, but they themselves are the source of the grief.

The Rabbit Hole Deepens

The rabbit hole deepens as options seem to narrow.

“Would it be foolish to trust my partner again, to give them another chance? Wouldn’t that just be asking for more pain?”

“How can I ever trust them again?”

Or, “Would trusting them again amount to betraying myself?”

The answers to these questions are never simple, but what often comes out of the effort to find answers is surprising.

What happens as people begin to excavate the ruins of a relationship is that they are willing to ask questions about themselves and their partner that they haven’t known to ask. Whether out of oblivion or cowardice, the questions have been side-stepped. Until now.

“Does my partner have the character and values I need in a mate?”

“What was my role in the structural weakness of the relationship?”

“What could I have done better?”

“Who am I apart from this relationship?”

“What does it mean to truly forgive?”

No Easy Answers

“Knocked to my knees.” “Flat on my back.” The words that people use to describe this place of suffering after betrayal is often quite physical in nature. As Dutch psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk says, “The body keeps the score.” Clients often tell me that they can’t sleep, they can’t seem to take a deep breath. They can’t relax. Their nervous system is on high alert, a trauma response ready to spring into action. There is no place that feels emotionally safe.

Two Options, Maybe More

The obvious choices people consider usually come down to two options: do I stay and see if the relationship can be repaired, or do I end the relationship and try to move on? The question complicates as other factors are considered.

We’ve been together so long—how do we disentangle our entire lives?

What about the kids?

Sometimes the considerations are purely financial: There’s not enough money to run two households, or to finance retirement if everything is divided.

Even when practical considerations are factored in, options often appear that weren’t initially considered. For example, “nesting” is an arrangement that couples with young kids may utilize when they are trying to figure out next steps. This involves parents rotating in and out of the family home while kids stay put, which enables a measure of normalcy (schools, friends, neighbors) as parents try to determine next steps.

While this example may seem a detour in a blog post about deeper realizations, the point is the same: a willingness to do things differently, to consider ways to be—both together and apart—can yield deeper truths and meaning that wasn’t there before. Maybe a couple gives nesting a try and they realize that they miss each other desperately and are ready to begin the hard work of rebuilding. Or, maybe one (or both) find a peace in the other’s absence and realize that the relationship has run its course.

Maybe separation gives you space to discover who you are without the other person. You might really like what you find.

Space for New Beginnings

What all this can mean is that an earth-shaking discovery, a realization that the world and your place in it has shifted, can open space for new beginnings. Like last year’s crop stripped bare and plowed under, the ground is now fertile and optimized for something new to grow. To say that this is an “opportunity” risks devaluing the deepest, darkest pain, and yet it is this idea that can be a lifeline for those in despair.

Platitudes have been written, “it’s always darkest before the dawn,” all that, and yet there lies in them a kernel of truth. The questions that come from such dark places are often profound, and if a person is brave enough to ask them, and tries to answer them honestly, then the answers can be catalysts for something new, deeper, more authentic, braver, and more fulfilling than the life that came before.

In the aftermath of betrayal, there is a profound opportunity for growth. “What next?” The answers may surprise you.

Nancy Rosenberg, LMFT, works in our North Dallas location and is also available for virtual sessions.