New Year, New Us: Relationship Resolutions

Resolutions

New Year, New Us: Relationship Resolutions

By Nancy Rosenberg January 14, 2025 01.14.2025 Share:
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ACT Counseling Couples Expectations Friendship Healing Internal Family Systems Marriage OCD Positivity Reflection Regulation Relationships Therapy

For many, the beginning of a new year is seen as an opportunity to take stock, to evaluate what is working and what needs improvement. Salads are made, gyms are joined, rooms are cleaned, closets are culled. In this spirit of honest appraisal, relationships can also improve from more intentionality and care. Let’s call them Relationship Resolutions.

Relationship Resolutions

According to renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, the key to a happy relationship isn’t passion, or even a lack of conflict—it’s friendship. Think about what that means. We spend time with friends because we enjoy their company. We choose to focus on their strengths and abilities and generally ignore their shortcomings. In other words, we give them the benefit of the doubt, recognizing that everyone has flaws, but they have strengths that outweigh their weaknesses.

It can be more difficult to use this forgiving lens when it comes to our partners for many reasons, including the fact that we (usually) live with them. For example, it’s harder to ignore a messy house if it’s your house, too. But what often happens in troubled relationships is that people stop focusing on the positive in their partners. They stop giving them the benefit of the doubt.

What does this mean while we’re making resolutions?

Perspective Is Key

There is a story of two men who survived a harrowing, near-death experience: they were on a ship, in shark-infested waters, and the ship began to sink. They watched helplessly as many of their shipmates began to perish. Miraculously, a nearby ship heard their distress calls and appeared to rescue them. They were plucked from the hull of the sinking ship just as it slipped beneath the crashing waves.

Now safely on board, one of the men began to sob. “That was the scariest, worst experience of my life! Once I get off this ship, I’m never going near the ocean again!” The rescuers turned to face the other man, who was beaming. “Why are you smiling?” they asked. “I’m just so thankful for you all! I thought I was going to die. I prayed, I thought of all the people I love and all the life I still want to live, and then you appeared to save me! This is the best day of my life!” The men had been through the exact same experience, but how they viewed it made all the difference.

Where’s Your Focus?

Viktor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, said this: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” If we apply this wisdom to relationships, and we understand that no one is perfect—everyone has flaws—then we can choose what we focus on. Rather than dwelling on the shortcoming, we can choose to dwell on the strength.

Here’s one example: A man is habitually late, and this drives his partner crazy. But this same late man is also a loving husband and father. A partner who insists on focusing on the flaw, and reads it as disrespect and selfishness, is going to feel unhappy about the relationship. This is not to say that we don’t work on problem areas, but what we choose to focus on can mean the difference between a happy partnership (where each person continues to work on self-improvement) and a relationship that is unhappy and filled with tension and conflict.

Resolution Ideas

If we pair these ideas—the need to build friendship and the ability to choose what we focus on—then we’re empowered to make some meaningful changes. Here are a few ideas:

  • Use down time intentionally. If you watch different shows in the evenings, in different rooms, then find a show to watch together, and make it fun. Pop some popcorn, snuggle under a blanket, hold hands.
  • Cook together. Be creative. Look for new recipes together. Maybe one person preps while the other puts on music and lights a few candles.
  • Let your partner hear you brag about them to others. “She’s killing it at work,” “He made the most yummy Bolognese,” “She’s such a good mom,” “He can fix anything.”
  • Let go of the small stuff. Dirty socks on the floor, burned toast, even a bad mood—these are things you can either dig into, or things you can choose to let go.
  • Create meaning together. Collect items for a family scrapbook. Record each other telling your kids what you love about them. Write loving cards to family members, each of you writing what you love about them.
  • Take a class together. Painting, pottery, pickleball—it doesn’t matter, but have fun with it.
  • Increase physical touch and connection. Hold hands. Offer a back rub, Pat your partner affectionately as you pass them in the kitchen. Play with their hair.
  • Compliment your partner regularly. Touch frequently. Gottman says the “magic ratio” for a healthy relationship is 20:1—20 positive interactions for every one negative interaction.

Change the Temperature

Making small but significant changes in how you relate to your partner will have the effect of “changing the temperature” of your interactions. Look for ways to cool things down. If a discussion is escalating, look for off-ramps. Remember Frankl’s wise words: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response.” Relationship resolutions can make the difference between a relationship that merely survives to one that thrives.

If you think your relationship needs help, give us a call. Relationship repair is what we do!

Nancy Rosenberg, MA, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist who specializes in helping high-conflict couples de-escalate and repair. Rosenberg works with couples and individuals using a strengths-based approach, CBT, IFS, ACT, and other modalities. She can be reached at Nancy@StanfordCouplesCounseling.com.

 

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