New Year, New Us: Relationship Resolutions
For many, the beginning of a new year is seen as an opportunity to take stock, to evaluate what is working and what needs improvement. Salads are made, gyms are joined, rooms are cleaned, closets …
There comes a time in every relationship when exchanges between partners become increasingly negative. Conflict and avoidance both increase, and this can lead to feeling trapped, unhappy and more like roommates than romantic partners. Each partner becomes irritable and defensive. Despite your best efforts, the slide into negativity seems inevitable. So, what can we do to interrupt this pattern?
The first approach most couples take usually ends in failure. Partners try to eliminate all negative behaviors and talk about issues and problems. This can lead to further withdrawal, defensiveness and resentment. After all, you both already know all the “issues and problems” with your partner intimately. Somehow, focusing on what’s wrong further amplifies and increases the negative feedback loop even further. So what does work?
The Caring Days technique is a powerfully effective method involving identifying and increasing positive behaviors in the relationship. This sounds simple, but it is not easy. The hypervigilance involved with the negative feedback loop makes this process very challenging for struggling couples. The feelings of rejection, shame, hurt and being criticized can make even the smallest of acts very difficult to attempt.
Make a list of 5 small, easy to do, simple things that your partner can do for you that would make you feel loved and cared for. It’s important to make the behaviors very basic and easy to achieve. Love and connection to your partner is not achieved in the grand gestures. Holding up the boombox outside her window, the trip to Paris, an expensive gift, flowers for special events; all of it pales in comparison to the daily small behaviors of connection. Love is folding towels the “right way.” Love is making the bed in the morning. Love is an unexpected hug and kiss of appreciation. Love is a cuddle on the couch. Love is reaching out for their hand in the crowd.
How we create and execute on this list is very important. “Help with the baby” isn’t very specific nor helpful, but “change a diaper” is. We don’t want this to turn into a chore list, because then we won’t do it. We need behaviors that are easy to accomplish, and also are low enough stakes to not generate hurt feelings if missed. We need the opportunity to be vulnerable, introspective, to make requests, risk rejection, and to feel our partner follow through with love and care. We need SMART goals. If we apply SMART goals to this process, it looks like this:
Specific – Are the requested behaviors small, simple and identifiable?
Measurable – How will you know the task has been accomplished?
Achievable – Can this behavior be completed within a few minutes?
Relevant – Does this make you feel loved and cared for?
Time-bound – When is the potential deadline?
SMART goals ensure we are effective in our goal-setting and that we are acting in service of our objective relationship development. Also consider using The 5 Love Languages to further quantify your requested behaviors to ensure maximum positive impact for you and your partner.
Words of Affirmation – Compliments about the character or traits of your partner.
Quality Time – 15 minutes or less of uninterrupted talk between partners.
Gift Giving – Inexpensive or no-cost items that show your partner care while absent.
Acts of Service – Emotional labor that eases a burden of your partner.
Physical Touch – Non-sexual touch that lasts more than a few seconds.
Remember, this list is for behaviors you want to receive from your partner, not behaviors you want to give to your partner.
Once you both have created your list of five things you would like your partner to do for you, exchange lists. Are they SMART? Are they clear, simple and achievable? If so, do your best to agree and start immediately. The goal is to accomplish one task for your partner a day.
Make an internal commitment to yourself that you will strive to do this for a set period of time, long enough to create some habits. This includes the commitment to the behaviors for your partner, even if they don’t reciprocate. This is a decision to commit to action and change you are making for yourself. In that regard, you can always be successful if you choose to do the behavior asked of you. Your own well-being will likely improve as a side-benefit of attempting your partner’s list.
Eventually as you’re successful, the list will expand and change. 10 items. Then 15. Maybe 20 or more. The goal is always at to attempt least 1 task a day for your partner. Even as the list scales, the request is only 1 behavior a day, otherwise this risks turning into a chore list. I find that once Caring Days starts to take hold and work in your relationship, the list starts to become fun and feel like less a chore.
Love is a product of small behaviors that compound over time, and the meaning transforms into trust and increased intimacy in the relationship. The road to your relationship recovery is now paved with affection and care. On a deeper level Caring Days is teaching you to be vulnerable, introspective, to make requests, risk rejection, and to experience our partner following through with love and care. On the surface Caring Days can seem simplistic, but never forget it is also 100% a list of how to make your partner feel loved and cared for.
To schedule a session with Ray Myers or one of our other amazing therapists, call us today!