Understanding Boundaries in Relationships: A Therapist’s Perspective

As a marriage and family therapist, one of the most common topics I discuss with clients is boundaries. Healthy boundaries are essential for building and maintaining fulfilling relationships, yet they are often misunderstood or overlooked. Let’s delve into what boundaries are, how to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy boundaries, and how to set them effectively.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the limits we establish to protect our emotional, physical, and mental well-being. They define where one person ends and another begins, ensuring that our needs, values, and comfort levels are respected. Boundaries are not about controlling others or creating walls; they’re about setting guidelines that foster mutual respect and understanding in relationships.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries

Healthy Boundaries:

• Clear and respectful.
• Flexible yet firm enough to protect your well-being.
• Rooted in self-awareness and honest communication.

For example, saying, “I need time to recharge/decompress after work before we discuss our plans for the weekend,” is a healthy boundary that communicates your need for personal space without dismissing the other person’s needs.

Unhealthy Boundaries:

• Too rigid, shutting others out completely.
• Too open or porous, leading to overcommitment or neglecting your own needs.
• Established out of fear, guilt, or a need to control.

For instance, consistently saying “yes” to requests when you’re overwhelmed or uncomfortable is an example of unhealthy, porous boundaries. 

How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Setting healthy boundaries requires self-awareness, communication, and practice. Here are some steps to guide you in effectively setting healthy boundaries:

1. Reflect on Your Needs and Values: Understand what’s important to you and what makes you feel safe and respected. For example, you might realize you need quiet time to decompress after work.
2. Communicate Clearly and Assertively: Use “I” statements to express your boundaries without blaming or criticizing. For example:
   • Instead of: “You never give me space!”
   • Say: “I need some alone time after work to relax. Let’s find a time to connect after that.”
3. Stay Consistent: Enforce your boundaries calmly and consistently. If someone crosses your boundary, remind them of it respectfully.
4. Be Prepared for Pushback: It’s normal for others to need time to adjust to your new boundaries. Stay firm and reiterate your needs without guilt.

Boundary-Setting Conversations: Examples

Example 1: Between Partners

Scenario: Sam feels overwhelmed when their partner, Jamie, frequently texts them during the workday.

Sam: “Jamie, I’ve noticed I get distracted and stressed when I’m replying to texts during work hours. I love hearing from you, but can we keep messages during work to urgent things? I promise to call you as soon as I’m done.”

Jamie: “I didn’t realize it was stressing you out. That sounds fair. Let’s try that instead.”

Example 2: Between Friends

Scenario: Cameron feels drained when their friend Morgan frequently vents about problems without asking if Cameron has the capacity to listen.

Cameron: “Morgan, I care about you and want to support you, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed when we jump right into heavy topics. Could you check with me first before sharing? That way, I can be fully present for you.”

Morgan: “Thanks for telling me. I’ll try to remember to ask first.”

The Benefits of Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries enhance trust, respect, and intimacy in relationships. They empower you to take care of yourself while also fostering deeper connections with others. Remember, setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s an act of self-respect and mutual care.

If you’re struggling to establish or maintain boundaries, working with a therapist can help you navigate the process and strengthen your relationships. Remember, healthy relationships start with healthy boundaries.

Dr. Rachel Moore works in our Plano office and is available for virtual appointments as well. Click here to schedule a session with her or one of our other quality clinicians.