Bicultural Couples and the Holidays

With the holiday season upon us and another year ending, we face the typical obligations and expectations of celebrating the holidays as a family member, individual, and partner in a relationship. This can look like careful consideration of balancing one’s time with one family or another, buying presents and figuring out what that may mean to the recipient, traveling to spend time with loved ones, busy work environments during the holidays and its inevitable obligations; dealing with the upbeat, merry nature of the specific holidays but it being an exhausting experience; and so much more that will be mentioned in this blog post down below. How do you typically manage this? These are only a few questions and concerns that your fellow therapist may be wondering for you around this time of the year.

What does it mean to be a bicultural individual and/or couple navigating the American holidays and its traditions yet another year? Do you ever wonder if the stressors of the holiday season should be tougher than your monocultural friends or family members, or is it something you do not have to consider at all? Do you think it’s silly to have anxiety and stress about the holidays with family, or is it a valid concern to be dealt with?

These are some questions I get asked by my bicultural clients, and I even wonder about myself. It would be important to address what it means to be a bicultural person or in a relationship where bicultural aspects or conflicts may exist, what holiday stressors may look like, and how to healthily maneuver complicated situations while advocating for yourself in these times when time with family and others matters most.

What Does Biculturalism Mean, and How May That Apply To Me?

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, biculturalism can be defined as “belonging to, representing, or understanding two different cultures.” This can be a culmination of an individual being born as a first- or second-generation ethnically, racially, or nationally diverse than the majority, dominating culture while embodying both aspects as your own, a group of people who share certain qualities and customs while acculturating (or assimilating) themselves to society’s norms. It can also apply if you are in a relationship where you may have to consider a different/another culture and its traditions in tandem with your own.

Although most people associate biculturalism to the first aspect of obvious differences such as race, ethnicity, and/or nationality, it can also be as simple as identifying with two dissimilar, contrasting groups that typically follow distinctive views. This can be especially difficult for couples who share a similar aspect while considering another culture that may live, think, and make decisions that can be questionable to the norm. This can lead to tensions and conflicts such as:

• familial expectations vs. peer pressure
• differences in ideas towards dating and marriage (and choosing between the two)
• career aspirations vs. family duties
• religious practices in a different cultural context (e.g., holidays and differing beliefs/expectations)
• language barriers, and more.

Some couples may also struggle individually with internal tensions, social pressures, and identity confusion when considering their future and each other’s future and how various aspects of biculturalism can cause unintended stressors to the relationship itself. Bicultural couples already have various differences to acknowledge and work through outside of the holiday season, so taking the time to honor these responsibilities, practicing intentional conversations and effectively communicating how couples can deal with this together, and validating each other’s experiences and internal conflicts would lay the foundation to navigating this season of the year smoothly and healthily.

Holiday Stressors: What Are They and What Does It Look Like?

The holiday season is a fun time of the year to unwind, celebrate, and spend time with loved ones. When we think of the end of the calendar year, it is typical for us to embrace the feel-good hormones and bring unity through togetherness, generosity, and gratitude, right? One thing that has become more of a prevalent topic with regard to holiday stressors is the tendency to push through their anxiety and stress by hanging onto high spirits and celebratory moods. What are some holiday stressors that come up for couples (bicultural and/or monocultural partnerships), and how should they be dealt with?

Here are some common holiday stressors that couples might face:

1. Family Obligations: Deciding whose family to spend the holidays with or how to divide time between both families can create tension. Some families might expect more time or effort, leading to feelings of guilt or resentment.
2. Differing Holiday Traditions: Couples from different cultural, religious, or family backgrounds may have different holiday traditions, and negotiating which ones to follow or blend can be challenging.
3. Gift-Giving Expectations: Differences in expectations around gift-giving (such as how much to spend, who to buy for, or what types of gifts are meaningful) can lead to financial strain or miscommunication.
4. Financial Pressure: Holiday expenses—like gifts, travel, and hosting gatherings—can strain a couple’s budget. Money discussions can add tension, especially if they have different spending habits or financial priorities.
5. Social Obligations and Events: Balancing holiday parties, family gatherings, and other social commitments can leave couples feeling overwhelmed or burnt out, especially if one partner enjoys social events more than the other.
6. In-Law Dynamics: Spending extended time with in-laws can be stressful if unresolved family issues, personality clashes, or one partner feels judged by the other’s family.
7. Time Management: Juggling work, family, and holiday activities can be overwhelming, leading to stress and exhaustion, especially if one or both partners have busy schedules or work commitments.
8. Parenting and Co-Parenting Decisions: For couples with children, deciding how to handle holiday traditions, manage children’s expectations, or coordinate holiday time with an ex-partner can add stress.
9. Pressure to Create “Perfect” Memories: The desire to have a “perfect” holiday experience, especially in the age of social media, can create unrealistic expectations. This pressure can lead to disappointment or frustration if things don’t go as planned.
10. Differing Attitudes Toward the Holidays: If one partner loves the holidays and the other is more indifferent or even dislikes them, this difference in enthusiasm can lead to misunderstandings and frustration.
11. Relationship Expectations: Many people view the holidays as romantic, expecting closeness and intimacy. If one partner focuses more on family or holiday obligations, it can lead to feelings of neglect or distance.
12. End-of-Year Stress and Reflection: The end of the year often brings reflection, which can surface unresolved relationship issues or unmet goals. This can be challenging if one or both partners feel stressed about their personal progress or the future of their relationship.

Given the problems that couples can face, how do we healthily get through them this time around? The next section lists a few template solutions that could also be considered for bicultural (and monocultural) couples and individuals.

So What Do We Do About These Problems Now That We’re Talking About Them?

So, we’ve listed all of the definitions and issues associated with bicultural conflicts, but what interventions and strategies could help couples dealing with bicultural (and monocultural) aspects during the holiday season? This section will be dedicated to some solutions that can offer aid and guidance to those needing it.

Solutions for bicultural couples:

1. Blend Traditions Mindfully: Identify key elements from each culture’s important holiday traditions to each partner and find ways to incorporate both. For example, you might celebrate different cultural holidays on separate days or create new traditions that honor both heritages together.
2. Open Communication About Expectations: Talk openly about what each partner values most in the holidays. Clarify any assumptions around holiday customs, as one partner might have grown up with certain expectations that are unfamiliar to the other.
3. Set Boundaries with Families: If families have different expectations around traditions, be clear about your joint plans as a couple. Agree in advance on boundaries that support both partners feeling respected, even if it means missing certain gatherings or alternating years.
4. Create a Holiday “Game Plan”: Plan holiday schedules together, listing the events or traditions each person wants to prioritize. This way, both partners feel included, making navigating potential scheduling conflicts easier.
5. Support Each Other in Cultural Roles: Acknowledge that each partner might feel pressure to represent or explain their cultural heritage to the other. Create a safe, supportive space for asking questions, sharing cultural backgrounds, or offering help if a particular tradition feels unfamiliar.
6. Make Time for Just the Two of You: Carve out time for moments where the focus is only on each other, not external expectations. Private celebrations or quiet moments help reinforce intimacy and make the holidays feel meaningful on a personal level.

Solutions for monocultural couples:

1. Discuss and Align Holiday Priorities: While both may share the same culture, holiday priorities may differ. Each partner can share what they enjoy most about the season, whether it’s family time, travel, or gift-giving, and make a shared plan that reflects both of their values.
2. Negotiate Family Time and Social Commitments: It’s common to feel stretched between extended family and friends. Be realistic about what’s possible, and don’t be afraid to say no or establish limits on time spent with others to avoid overcommitting.
3. Agree on a Holiday Budget: Financial strain is common during the holidays, so creating a budget together can help manage costs and minimize stress. Agreeing on how much to spend on gifts, travel, or outings allows both partners to feel comfortable with holiday expenses.
4. Divide Responsibilities: Share holiday-related tasks, from shopping to decorating to planning gatherings, to ensure one partner doesn’t bear the brunt of the work. Dividing responsibilities can prevent burnout and help the holiday season feel more balanced and fair.
5. Focus on Building Your Own Traditions: Rather than strictly following family customs, decide on a few traditions you’d like to start as a couple. Personalized traditions can create a sense of unity and help you enjoy the season in your own way.
6. Practice Self-Care: Encourage each other to take breaks when needed. Whether it’s spending a quiet evening at home or scheduling downtime after big family gatherings, self-care is essential for maintaining energy and emotional balance.

Solutions for all couples, including newly formed:

1. Check-In Regularly: Make it a point to check in with each other throughout the holiday season to discuss how each person feels. This can help catch stress early and allow you to adjust plans if one person feels overwhelmed.
2. Embrace Flexibility: Understand that things might not go exactly as planned, and that’s okay. Accepting that some gatherings, traditions, or activities might need to be adjusted or postponed helps reduce stress and focus on enjoying the moment.
3. Set Expectations for Gift-Giving: Be honest about gift expectations early to prevent surprises or disappointments. Whether you’re keeping it simple or going all out, this can avoid misunderstandings and align with both partners’ comfort levels.
4. Limit Time on Social Media: Comparison can add stress, so consider reducing your social media time during the holidays. This will allow you to focus on your unique experience rather than feeling pressure to match what others are doing.
5. Express Gratitude and Appreciation: Take time to express gratitude for each other and acknowledge the effort each partner is putting into making the season enjoyable. Small gestures and words of appreciation can strengthen your bond and help you both feel valued.
6. Plan for Post-Holiday Downtime: The holiday season can be intense, so plan a day or weekend after the holidays to relax together. This can be an opportunity to recharge and reflect on the season, creating a smooth transition back to normal routines.

These strategies can help both bicultural and monocultural couples navigate holiday stress while building stronger connections and celebrating the season in a meaningful and balanced way for both partners. It is important to highlight that although holidays are meant for celebrating and considering others, we’re allowed to honor our own needs in order to be the best family members, individuals, and partners we can be this time of year.

To discuss biculturalism and other relationship topics with Victoria or one of our other great therapists, click here!