If you and your partner are dealing with the fallout of an affair, there are some (relatively) predictable stages and paths you can anticipate. In Getting Past the Affair by Douglas Snyder, Donald Baucom, and Kristina Coop Gordon, the three stages of affair recovery are the trauma of discovery, understanding what happened and why, and charting a new path forward.
Three Stages of Affair Recovery
Stage 1: The trauma of discovery. In this phase, the couple is in a state of disequilibrium and chaos. The world is turned upside down as the betrayal becomes evident. Anger, sorrow, shame, remorse, fear, uncertainty, and confusion exist. It is important at this stage to stabilize the couple and family (if there are kids). Ensure the bills are paid, everyone is fed, and basic needs are cared for. No big decisions should be made at this stage: the grief and anger are too raw.
Stage 2: Understanding what happened and why. Both partners examine their roles in allowing the relationship to become weakened and vulnerable to threats. While the partner who was cheated on is never to blame, both partners need to examine what they could have done to better protect and prioritize the relationship. Where was the relationship weakened? What could have been done to protect the relationship more effectively? This is the most difficult stage as it requires an honest examination and accountability by both partners.
Stage 3: What’s next? Partners agree to either stay together, separate, or divorce. The decision is made once the dust has settled, and both feel that they understand what happened, why, and what they can do in the future to protect either this relationship or whatever relationship comes next if they choose to end the relationship. If there are kids and the partners decide to divorce, this stage includes an examination of what that means: financial considerations, custody challenges, issues around the holidays, as well as an understanding that, to some degree, you will always be in each other’s lives as children graduate, marry, have kids themselves, and so forth.
The four possible paths forward are staying together and fixing the problems that made the affair possible, staying together but the underlying problems are not addressed, breaking up in anger
and acrimony, or breaking up but in a mutually agreed upon, healthy way.
After an Affair: Four Possible Paths
1. Stay together in a happy, fulfilling relationship. In some cases, the couple has never had a healthy relationship, and the affair(s) were symptoms of this larger disconnect. If couples can commit themselves to learning and growing as they repair and heal, then the relationship has the potential to grow into something better than it ever was before. (requires forgiveness)
2. Stay together but with no real awareness or recognition of the problems that initially led to the affair. This amounts to a continuation of an unsatisfying, unhappy
relationship.
3. Separate/divorce, but with clarity, intention, and a lack of anger or malice. Effective coparenting is possible. (requires forgiveness)
4. Separate/divorce, but with no repair of the relationship, which remains mired in anger and toxicity. Co-parenting is difficult.
If you and your partner are dealing with the aftermath of an affair, it is important to keep in mind that this does not have to mean that the relationship ends. There are options, and if you decide
that the relationship is worth trying to save, we can help. Difficult discussions need to be had, and we can help guide you through those conversations in a way that is both respectful and productive.
