In this series called ‘Client Share’, we make room for our clients who want to use their experiences with relationships, mental health, and their therapy journey to help others who might benefit from this client’s experiences. Names and identifying information have been changed or removed to protect the client’s identity.
I’ve always been a person inspired by motivational speakers, articles, quotes; words I thought were so invaluable they deserved a place in my life. For years, I’ve kept a framed article on my wall titled “Aim So High You Will Never Be Bored.” It’s been a mantra I’ve read over and over and tried to always be reminded of. But depression robbed me of the ability to see those words as positive. The words, and the effort to achieve what they implied seemed impossible. Tim’s story helped change this narrative in my head.
Suggested books and authors, like Brene Brown, who could pour out great advice and ways to live your life, resonated flat to me. It’s not for trying. My bookshelves were lined with books I was told were a must read for “my situation.” Similarly with podcasts. In my mind, it seemed so easy for the show host to tell their story or interview guests who came away from their struggles in a much better place than before. They had a new life after depression. When in the struggle, listening to those words and bits of offered wisdom were things that worked for them. They certainly didn’t apply to me.
There is a bit of selfishness in dissing those books and podcasts. I often didn’t want to be compared to the “run of the mill” person with depression. My journey was special (or at least so I believed). On more than one occasion, my psychiatrist would tell me “everyone feels that way” to some expression of low self-esteem or value. I somehow wanted my condition to be unique. I’m not sure why, in my mind that would matter but somehow thinking I was alone (and special?) in my illness gave me perhaps a specialness I didn’t think I had in any aspect of my life. Maybe we all want to view, at some point in our life as “special”
If I haven’t said in prior posts, my diagnosis is “major depression disorder.” Just the name of it sounds “major.” To be honest, that diagnosis came as a surprise to me. Surely not me…someone who had all their act together. But we begin to accept what the professionals have told us and I did the same. Without belaboring the diagnosis, I would noodle over what those words meant. Did it mean something worse than the common person with depression. It’s a fault of mine. I look for comparisons. I want to know my…..is no worse than; or better than what ever the norm is.
Despite joining a faith community my challenges with suicide persisted. It’s funny about suicide ideation. When you are down, the only thing that comes to mind is finding a way to end it all. At this point, I began cutting on my wrist. At first, just small cuts to see the blood flow. In my mind, the sight of the blood was a sign that I was doing “something” about my pain. So contrarian. The pain of the blood flow represented the release of the pain I felt within.
It was my own decision that I needed to seek support at an outpatient facility. My thought was that if I could focus intently on my issues, I would get clarity and gain perspective unlike anything I experienced doing regular therapy. My research led me to some very nice looking places around the country. But they all wanted a time commitment I felt I couldn’t met. Beyond the challenges of just putting your life on hold, I was terrified how I would ask my employer for the time. Don’t get me wrong. I work for a company that would have supported my decision to step away. But doing so would put my whole team on notice that “I had a problem.” The fear of what others would think matter to me though shouldn’t have. I decided I would go to a nearby facility where I could step away for a couple of days and still be in touch with my world.
Looking for an outpatient treatment center is much like looking at possible places to stay on Air BnB. The pictures show you the best. Wonderful walking grounds; inviting meeting rooms; chef-inspired meals. I did not visit the facility beforehand, something I would strongly suggest. So many of these facilities are run by large chains of facilities around the country. When you have the courage to call the 800 number listed, you will immediately be connected with someone, full of compassion, wanting to determine the reason for your call and the location you were interested in.
Don’t think this was easy. You go through the emotion of thinking you are lesser than for not being able to handle the world. You suffer the stigma of knowing that, in your mind, you are so weak, only intensive work would help.
On arrival, I was introduced to the people who would be my “posse” for at least the next few days. While I suffered from depression, I wasn’t prepared to be around the individuals with serious drug addictions, one of who was in the midst of detoxing off of fentanyl. It was an interesting mixture a people. There was the young professional who worked for a large accounting firm in a successful position, raised in a financially secure family upbringing. There was the married man with children who worked for a telecom/cable company doing installations at people’s homes. He too, was hooked on fentanyl. When I asked him how he got past the drug urine test, he told me how easy it was to buy urine on the open market to cheat the test. Who knew.
The person who grabbed my attention and for this blog is tittles for was Tim. Tim’s story is that of a 23 year old man from a small town in Oklahoma that was hooked on various drugs including fentanyl. His brother died of the drug just six months prior. He was so open and forthcoming about his current struggle. He was living in a safe house with other guys but still found the opportunity to get hold of fentanyl which, while on the drug, he intended to kill himself by putting a knife through his chest. He worked as a mechanic, a trade he learned from his dad and uncle. In happier times, his dad, uncle and brother would race cross country bikes. He learned the automotive work from repairing the bikes. Tim loved that time of his life. He found purpose and meaning and connectedness with his dad, brother and uncle. For a reason i don’t recall, the family unity broke down and Tim found himself with no longer a reason to live and be happy.
Tim’s story was a daily journey of finding drugs each day. Many times those searches-going up to cars or alleyways, left him in dangerous situations where he would up beaten up. He described with shame how terrible he felt about himself sitting on the restroom floor of a local grocery store, shooting up. What was interesting about his story, was that each time he was about to use, he called him mother to let her know. She would then drive the streets looking for him.
But what made Tim special for me? Because of his openness, I learned much about not just his external life but his internal pain all wrapped up in the tough dude persona in a 5’8” body frame. He gave small bits of his upbringing in a Christian home. Those Christian reference points would come up in his talks.
As a group we got together for one of the schedule group sessions. The materials presented made reference to the Christian influence of the materials. While a small section of the group argued the pros and cons of what role religion had planned in their life, Tim blurted out the most profound statement that reasonate with me with as much value as all the other socially acceptable statements of affirmation I found in my life. Things like my ‘“Aim So High You will Never be bored” framed quote.
As the argument about religion prevailed among the group, Tim blurted out:
“If Christ could f..king walk 7 miles up to Calvary Hill with a cross on his back, why the f..k can I not get off drugs?”
For just a moment the room grew silent. For me it was his declaration for his desire to be free of the chains of drugs. Personally though, it was a point of reflection. Tim was right. If Christ could do what he did for us; to go to death for our sins, how could I not get over my depression and carry on with a desire to live.
To talk to a professional about depression or suicidal thoughts, schedule your appointment with one of our counseling and therapy experts today.
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