I Want Flowers, But I Don’t Want To Tell You I Want Flowers

You’ve had a tough week, and all you want is a sweet and simple gesture from your partner- flowers, perhaps. But you don’t want to ask for them…so instead of asking for the flowers, you wait and hope that they can somehow magically figure out that receiving flowers would make you happy and make your week suck a little less. Sound familiar? If so, you are not alone. Many of us fall into the trap of expecting our partners to read our minds, leading to confusion, unmet needs and expectations, and sometimes disappointment. Communicating your needs to your partner is extremely
important in a relationship. However, it can sometimes feel awkward or unromantic. We don’t ask for the flowers because we want to receive them because our partner wants to gift them to us. Not because we asked for them. We fear that asking for the simple gesture of flowers will detract from the magic of spontaneity. However, expecting your partner to be a mind reader can lead to misunderstandings, frustrations, unmet needs, and resentments. So, let’s explore how communicating your needs can improve your relationship.

Avoid Misunderstandings

When you assume your partner knows what you need without expressing it, there are bound to be misunderstandings. You might feel like your partner isn’t putting in any effort to meet your needs, but what if they are trying, just in other forms, because you haven’t specifically expressed what you need? Often, I see the issue as misunderstanding and miscommunication between couples, not a lack of effort on either side.

Building Trust and Intimacy

Open communication fosters trust and intimacy. Being vulnerable and communicating your feelings and needs to your partner will deepen your emotional connection. Giving your partner the opportunity to listen and respond with empathy and support will increase the trust and intimacy in your relationship and create a positive feedback loop.

Ensuring Everyone’s Simple Gesture Needs Are Met

It is hard to meet someone’s needs when you have no clue what they are. Hoping your partner reads your mind often leads to disappointment. Everyone has different love languages and ways of feeling loved and cared for in a relationship. Expressing what those needs are to your partner is important so they can understand and try to meet those needs and expectations. You might feel neglected or undervalued when your partner fails to meet your unspoken expectations. These feelings often lead to feelings of resentment, which can be destructive for a relationship. By
communicating your needs openly, you prevent the accumulation of negative feelings and promote a healthier, more positive relationship dynamic

Tips for Effectively Communicating Needs to Your Partner:

• Be clear and specific. Explain to your partner what you need and why it is important. Avoid vague or ambiguous statements, especially regarding simple gestures.
• Use “I Statements” and a “Soft Start-Up.” A Soft Start-Up and I Statements will prevent your partner from feeling attacked and then becoming defensive. For example, say, “I feel loved when you make an effort to spend quality time with me” instead of “You never spend quality time with me.”
• Choose an Appropriate Time. It is important to find the right time to have these conversations. Bringing up how your needs aren’t being met during an escalating argument is probably not the best time to initiate the conversation. Find a calm and private moment to discuss your needs with your partner. And remember, “You’re not you when you are hungry.”
• Be an Active Listener. Encourage your partner to share their needs as well. Listen attentively and respond with empathy and understanding. Reflect on what you hear your partner say to ensure there are no miscommunications. “I am hearing you say….. is that right?”

Being vulnerable and expressing your needs can be difficult. We weren’t all modeled this behavior. Couples therapy can help you learn how to effectively communicate your needs with your partner and increase your trust and intimacy.

If you want to learn how to better convey what you want from your partner, book with Maria or one of our other great therapists here.