Usually, when we experience our emotions, we feel them internally. We think about how we are affected, how we could be the cause, the shame we feel inside, etc. Externalization is a tool I often use with individuals and couples that I work with to help you feel empowered and objective when dealing with big emotions or conflict by creating some mental distance. This tool can be so powerful because we can often feel held hostage by our feelings or conflict, and for many, it can feel too loud in our own minds to be able to fight against. How externalization can work is we give a name to our emotions; let’s use the example of anxiety. For my clients who experience anxiety and feel powerless against it, I encourage them to name it whatever they feel best represents Anxiety. I have had clients choose Karen, Tammy, Angie, or Satan; As you can imagine, some names can become too colorful to share in this post. I then have my client close their eyes and picture this externalized figure; I have even had them draw it if they are artistically inclined. One of my favorite externalizations of anxiety was Angie, as I was told she was a middle-aged woman working at Waffle House, hanging out in the alley, smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, and yelling at my client with a raspy voice. I love how detailed this picture became and how the client was able to separate herself from the shame she felt surrounding her anxiety and give it all to Angie.
It’s important not to form an inherently negative or positive view of Angie, as she has her moments of being helpful, just as anxiety does, but also times when she is harmful, just as anxiety can be. Using externalization can help slow down and filter helpful versus harmful messages.
Once a clear idea of the externalized figure is established, I discuss with my clients how to define their voice versus anxiety’s voice. It’s important to emphasize how the client’s voice is rooting them on, while anxiety’s voice can be critical, shame-ridden, and unhelpful at times. Journaling can be a helpful way to define these voices and, ultimately, strengthen the client’s voice.
Externalization is also helpful for couples, as externalizing relationship strife or conflict can help the couple feel like they are on the same team against a common enemy. As a Harry Potter fan, I greatly appreciated a couple naming their conflict “Voldemort.” As an example of this work, instead of a client telling each other things they are doing wrong or feeling shame about being the problem, they say to each other, “I really feel like Voldemort is creating some problems or trying to have us feel disconnected..what do you think we should do?”
I greatly enjoy the work I do with my clients, helping them to feel powerful against the struggles they face in life, especially in creative ways. If you feel like this tool could help you, I would love to guide you through the externalization process.
If you’d like to discuss your feelings in a different, healthier way with Megan or another of our therapists, click here.
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