Reigniting the Spark: Small Shifts That Build Big Intimacy

Reigniting the Spark: Small Shifts That Build Big Intimacy

These days, it’s not just the usual busyness that strains relationships—many couples are also carrying the weight of extraordinary stress and uncertainty. Ongoing sociopolitical unrest, climate anxiety, economic pressures, and the ever-present demands of modern life create a heavy emotional backdrop. When the world feels chaotic, it’s natural to feel more distant, irritable, or simply too depleted to connect.

But even in these uncertain times, your relationship can be a source of steadiness, warmth, and resilience. Reigniting intimacy doesn’t require a costly vacation or grand gesture—nor does it require long stretches of distraction-free time, perfect rest, or kid-free evenings. For many couples, that feels nearly impossible. Instead, intimacy thrives on presence, not pressure. Small, consistent shifts in your connection can create big closeness.

As I’ve shared with many of my clients, my partner and I are currently navigating a long-distance relationship. He’s stationed overseas in the military, and I’m back in the States holding down the fort with our two dog children. I’ll be weaving in some ideas for building intimacy virtually for those of you who can’t always be physically close—whether due to distance, military deployment, travel, or other life circumstances.

Emotional Intimacy Fuels Physical Intimacy

We often associate intimacy with what happens behind closed doors, but it actually begins much earlier. Emotional safety, humor, and feeling seen are the roots of desire and closeness.

It’s common to hear one partner say, “I need to feel emotionally connected to want sex,” while the other says, “I feel emotionally connected through sex.” Both experiences are valid. Rather than arguing over who’s “right,” recognize that emotional and physical intimacy are deeply interconnected. One nurtures the other.

Micro-Intimacies: The Small Stuff That Matters

Think about the last time you felt really close to your partner. It probably wasn’t because of a big, fancy date night. More likely, it was a small moment: a shared inside joke, a warm glance, a hand on your back.

These are micro-intimacies—tiny gestures that strengthen your emotional bond. They often take less than a minute but leave a lasting impact:

• A gentle touch on their arm as you pass.
• Texting, “I appreciate you,” out of the blue.
• Sending them a song that reminds you of them.
• Putting your phone down and listening, distraction-free.
• Scheduling a FaceTime check-in just to chat or do chores together.
• Sending a voice memo with a loving or flirty message.
• Sharing a meme or video that made you think of them.

Like emotional vitamins, these small moments build trust and desire over time.

Create Rituals of Connection

Early in a relationship, connection is spontaneous. Over time, it needs to become intentional—not robotic, but on purpose. These rituals can offer structure and reliability during stressful seasons.

Try these:

• The “Cuddle Puddle”: A no-pressure snuggle before sleep—bonus points if your partner lets the pets join in.
• Weekly check-in: Ask a few reflective questions over coffee or during a walk. Review your upcoming week’s calendar together.
• Daily headspace check: Share a quick “high and low,” use a gas-tank metaphor (“I’m at a quarter tank”), or try your own version of Brené Brown’s check-in, as she describes in her article debunking the myth that marriage is always 50/50. 
• Tech-free unwind time: Sit or lie down together, no phones, even for 10 minutes.
• 10-second kisses / 20-second hugs: Long enough to feel. Research shows 20-second hugs can boost oxytocin and reduce stress.

For long-distance couples, rituals might include:

• A daily good morning/good night message.
• Watching a show or movie “together” while on a call.
• Sharing a digital calendar or photo album.
• Sending small care packages with thoughtful items that say, “I’m thinking of you.”

Expand the Definition of Intimacy

When sex feels infrequent or fraught, couples often retreat further into avoidance. One remedy is to redefine what “counts” as intimacy.

Intimacy isn’t just sexual—it’s about vulnerability, shared presence, and attunement. When you widen the lens, you reduce pressure and make space for authentic closeness.

Try these:

• Slow dancing in the kitchen.
• Giving or receiving a non-sexual massage.
• Taking a shared bath or shower.
• Reading a sensual or romantic story aloud.
• Playing a sensory guessing game or trying a mindfulness app together.
• Doing a shared creative activity like painting, cooking, or crafting.

For neurodiverse couples, sensory-friendly rituals like parallel play (e.g., reading quietly side-by-side), using weighted blankets together, or sharing communication via writing or emojis can foster intimacy.

For long-distance couples:

• Create a shared Spotify playlist.
• Write short love letters or send postcards.

Embrace the Awkward

Awkwardness is a good sign! It means you’re stepping out of autopilot. If you feel silly or rusty trying something new, you’re doing it right. Laugh about it. Be gentle with yourselves. The best relationship memories are often born from imperfect attempts.

You don’t need to “get it right.” You just need to show up, be real, and stay connected.

Tailor Connection to Your Energy Level

During stressful seasons, it’s vital to adjust your connection efforts to match your energy levels. Communicate openly about how you’re doing. It’s okay if you’re not aligned every day. Compromise and compassion go a long way.

Low-Energy Connection Ideas

• Sit shoulder-to-shoulder watching a show.
• Breathe together in silence for a few minutes.
• 1-minute gratitude swap.
• Listen to music and hold hands.
• Short hand or foot massage.
• For long-distance: send a selfie, a cozy voice note, or a “thinking of you” emoji.

Medium-Energy Ideas

• Cook together (in-person or over video).
• Take a short walk and chat.
• Play a card game or app-based trivia.
• Share one thing you’d like to try together this month.
• For long-distance: build a virtual photo album, or plan and dream about a future trip.

High-Energy Connection Ideas

• Go on a “relationship field trip” (new park, new coffee shop).
• Tackle a DIY project together.
• Write each other a silly or sexy note.
• Try a guided intimacy or mindfulness meditation.
• Recreate your first date.

Whatever your energy level, what matters most is that you’re consistently showing up. That alone communicates love and commitment.

Final Thoughts: The Spark Evolves

It’s easy to miss the thrill of early-stage romance—the butterflies, the novelty, the spark. But long-term love offers something deeper: safety, depth, and the honor of being known in all your seasons.

That spark doesn’t vanish; it evolves. With intention and creativity, you can nurture it back to life, one micro-intimacy at a time.

So start small. Say the kind thing. Reach for their hand. Embrace the awkward. And trust that intimacy can always be rekindled—not by doing more, but by being more with each other.

References & Resources

• Brene Brown on the 50/50 Myth
• The Science of Hugging
• Rituals of Connection (Gottman Institute)

Dr. Rachel Moore, Ph.D., LMFT, MedFT,  is available for sessions with couples or individuals. Dr. Moore is also trained in EMDR. You can meet with her virtually or in our Plano location.