Family Boundaries During the Holidays

Family Boundaries During the Holidays

We hear about boundaries a lot these days, but what are they, why do we need them, and how do they show up in our families, even when kids are grown and have families of their own? During the holidays, many of these issues tend to arise.

The Metaphor of Puzzle Pieces

One way to think about boundaries between people is to imagine puzzle pieces. Boundaries are like the edges of the pieces–they mark the individual shape of the piece, making it clear where the line is. They give a person a view of their individual shape, while at the same time providing a surface where other puzzle pieces can connect. Boundaries help us keep ourselves safe and uniquely individuated, while they are also where we connect and bond with others.

These identity lines can be especially challenged during the holidays as some return home to familiar smells, sites, and conversations. Some people experience not only the feeling of being back home, but also feeling like (or being treated like) they were still children. These feelings can cause boundaries to become unstable when they are crossed, or even lost if they are violated. One effort that can help maintain identity and security is to remind oneself how those boundaries work, and the purpose behind why they exist in the first place.

We Want To Help Others, but…

What is asked of us can be a place where boundaries get confusing. For example, what happens when we are asked to be considerate, think of others, or do something for others? Many people want to help others–take the example of wanting to help out your grown child by offering to babysit, so they and their partner can have a night out alone. In this example, imagine that you and your spouse have a long-standing tradition of Friday night date night. If your adult son or daughter asks if you can babysit on a Friday night, then they might be said to have “crossed” a boundary, but you might choose to babysit for them anyway, knowing that you and your spouse can go out on another night, so it isn’t a big deal.

The situation would be different, however, if they ask if you can babysit for them every Friday night. This is an example of a clear boundary “violation” since they know of your long-standing tradition. The situation may be complicated if you feel manipulated or pressured. What happens when your boundary is violated, knocked down, or treated as if it does not exist? When the one-time event is expected to become a weekly occurrence? 

What Does the Bible Say About Boundaries?

For Christians, boundary violations like this can be made even more egregious when Scripture is misused to control and manipulate: “After all, the Bible does say that we should think of others as more important than ourselves, right?” “You don’t want to be selfish and un-Christlike, do you?” “The Bible says you are to honor your father and mother, so.…” 

Boundaries are not a new concept. In fact, guidance on how and where to set them is given in the Bible, in Paul’s letter to the Galatians. In chapter 6 verse 2 Christians are encouraged to “bear one another’s burdens,” while simultaneously, in verse 5 of the same chapter, it says “each one is to carry their own load.” While this may appear as a contradiction, it is actually a point of balance between two concepts: burden and load. A burden is a weight too big for one person to carry. Much like lifting a truck off of a person in a car accident, Christians are called to work together in a combined and united effort. But a load is something each person is expected to do themselves, for themselves – brushing one’s own teeth, for example. In this context, “load” includes things that we own: our money, time, property, and also thoughts, emotions, words, behavior, and–most importantly–owning the choices we make. We sacrifice because we choose to, not because we have to, or are coerced or browbeaten into it.

Boundaries Are Choices We Make

Reflecting on how boundaries are created can help when feeling guilted or manipulated into doing something for a family or family member that they are able to do themselves.

As the holidays loom, it’s important to own the boundaries you’ve set. Remind yourself of why those boundaries were placed where they are. Recommit yourself to the foundational ethic you used that gave you the right to set those boundaries in the first place. Especially when confronting spiritual manipulation, it can be powerful to remember that you are basing your stand on God’s Word.

Boundary violations generally involve others demanding your resources for their own use – your time, effort, or money.  Before going on the trip to visit family, re-commit yourself to how much time, effort, or money you decided to contribute to family. Keep in mind that, much like donating to a charity, contributing to a family of origin will have consequences on your own family: your spouse, your children, your own sanity, your peace of mind, and so forth. Knowing the foundation and reason for your boundaries will help you maintain them when others try to move them. It will also help you respond well when they are violated, and help you move and adjust them wisely if or when you choose to.

If you need help in setting or discussing healthy limits with family during the holidays, call us here at Stanford Counseling. We would love to help you make this holiday one of true joy and peace for you and yours.

Call SCC if you would like to schedule a session with Dr. Leos. He works virtually and in our McKinney office.