Attachment in Relationships

Attachment and How It Affects Relationships

In 1969, British psychologist John Bowlby revolutionized the way we think of how humans bond with others, and how it affects our relationships throughout the lifespan.

Bowlby noted that our earliest bonds with our primary caregiver, usually the mother, create the blueprint from which our future relationships play out. Imagine a blank canvas representing a newborn. What kind of artwork will the primary caregiver paint on that canvas during the next few years? Will it be a beautiful scenery full of color and life, reflective of the attentive and nurturing care that was provided? Or will the lack of connectedness and bonding result in a hollow, abstract, and dark portrait — void of vitality and vivid color?

Early attachment interactions can have a significant impact on adult relationship dynamics. Could your current relationship struggles have something to do with your childhood attachment patterns? How attentive and nurturing were your primary caregivers in your childhood? Were they attuned to your needs both physically and emotionally? Did they respond to your bids for relational closeness? Were they a source of comfort and warmth?

An Overview of Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is created when a caregiver is able to meet the needs of the child consistently. They are reliable, attentive, and emotionally attuned to the child. They are not considered to be a perfect parent/guardian, but one who is dependable and in tune with the child for the majority of the time. Adults who experienced a secure attachment as children generally  are able to be in adult relationships that provide safety and include close connection.

For those children that did not receive a healthy attachment resulting in a secure connection, patterns emerge that can cause relational difficulties in their adulthood. There are several negative patterns that may show up in relationships:

Avoidant Attachment

Some may get stuck in an avoidant attachment pattern, which may cause them to act as an island unto themselves. They may unknowingly avoid closeness with others. When conflict arises, they typically retreat inwardly, shutting out those around them. At a visceral level, intimacy with others is unnerving. They learned early on that they can only depend on themselves. Being close with others is terrifying.

Anxious Attachment

Others who lacked secure connection in childhood may exhibit an anxious attachment pattern towards their partner. They may constantly seek out their partner in a way that is smothering. Their driving need for connection results from a deep fear of rejection or abandonment. They have a low tolerance level for discord—they seek immediate repair from conflict, and any sense that the relationship is in trouble causes stress and anxiety.

Disorganized Attachment

A disorganized attachment pattern may emerge where one oscillates between both patterns listed above, fluctuating between isolation and the need for intense closeness with their partner. These disorganized attempts to receive the affection they crave lead to confusion for those with whom they are in a relationship.

If you see yourself trapped in one of the above negative patterns, but desire more secure attachments in your current relationships, Stanford Couples Counseling has therapists who can provide assistance. They can help you unpack these relational dynamics while supporting you on a path to cultivating secure attachments in your relationships.

Sarah Stocking, MA, LPC-Associate, works virtually and in our McKinney office.