Both in my practice and my personal life, I have come to learn that there are two types of people: those who push harder for connection in moments of conflict, and those who pull away. And for some reason, these people always seem to find each other.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) we call this pattern a Pursue-Withdraw Cycle and it is something many couples experience. Understanding this cycle is a powerful first step in improving your relationship and breaking free from these repetitive, frustrating patterns. In this blog, I will explain what the Pursue/Withdraw Cycle is, how it shows up in relationships, and how EFT can help you and your partner break the current cycle to create more meaningful connection with your partner.
The Pursue/Withdraw Cycle is a pattern of interaction that often happens during moments of emotional distress. The behaviors to cope with being emotionally flooded are either protective, defensive, or reactive. Typically, one partner (the “Pursuer”) feels a strong desire for closeness and connection, while the other partner (the “Withdrawer”) feels overwhelmed or threatened and pulls away, either emotionally or physically.
Here’s how it might look:
The Pursuer: This person is often trying to engage and reconnect. They may express their feelings, ask for more attention, or bring up issues that need to be resolved. They might feel frustrated or anxious when their needs for closeness aren’t being met, so they escalate their attempts to get attention or affection from their partner.
The Withdrawer: On the other side, the Withdrawer might feel overwhelmed or even attacked by the Pursuer’s emotional intensity. They may respond by shutting down, distancing themselves, or becoming defensive. Their desire to avoid conflict can make them pull away, sometimes unintentionally creating more distance in the relationship.
While this pattern may start with good intentions—both partners wanting to feel loved and understood—what often happens is that the more the Pursuer pushes for connection, the more the Withdrawer pulls away. And the more the withdrawer withdraws, the more the pursuer pursues. The cycle deepens, and both partners end up feeling frustrated, hurt, and disconnected.
The Pursue/Withdraw Cycle often stems from unmet emotional needs. We all have a deep, human need for connection and security, especially in romantic relationships. But when one partner feels emotionally unsafe or unheard, they might start to withdraw or shut down to protect themselves. On the flip side, the Pursuer may feel abandoned or rejected and turn up the intensity of their emotional bids for connection.
In essence, the cycle is a form of emotional miscommunication. Both partners are seeking the same thing—a sense of closeness and emotional safety—but they’re going about it in ways that drive them further apart.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a type of therapy designed to help couples and individuals improve their emotional connection and communication. It’s based on the idea that emotional bonds are at the heart of healthy relationships, and when these bonds are threatened or weakened, problems like conflict, distance, and miscommunication can arise.
EFT focuses on understanding emotions and creating emotional safety in your relationship. The therapy helps you and your partner get to the root of the issues you’re facing, understand each other’s feelings, and create new, healthier ways of interacting.
Emotionally Focused Therapy is a scientifically backed approach to couples therapy that helps partners break free from these negative cycles of interaction. In EFT, we work together to identify the emotional triggers behind your behaviors and communication styles.
Through EFT, partners learn to:
Understand Each Other’s Emotions: The first step in EFT is identifying the deeper emotions behind the behavior. For example, the Pursuer might be feeling anxious or scared of losing their partner’s love, while the Withdrawer might feel overwhelmed, fearful of vulnerability or conflict, or incapable of managing emotional intensity. By understanding these underlying feelings, both partners can approach each other with more empathy.
Create New Patterns of Interaction: EFT helps you move from the old, repetitive patterns of pursuit and withdrawal into new ways of communicating and responding to each other’s needs. The Pursuer can learn to ask for connection in a way that feels safe and calm, while the Withdrawer can learn to lean in and show vulnerability.
Build Emotional Safety and Trust: One of the goals of EFT is to create a safe emotional space in the relationship where both partners feel heard, understood, and valued. As emotional safety increases, both partners are more likely to express their feelings in a way that promotes closeness, rather than distance.
Strengthen the Bond: The ultimate goal of EFT is to deepen emotional bonds and strengthen the relationship. When partners feel securely connected, they are better equipped to handle challenges and conflicts together, without falling into negative cycles.
EFT has been shown to be very effective in helping couples improve their relationships. Several studies have found that couples who went through EFT experienced significant improvements in their relational satisfaction. One study found 70 to 73% recovery rate from marital distress in 10 to 12 sessions of therapy (compared to 35% recovery rate for couples receiving behavioral interventions) and other studies have found 90% significant improvement in relational satisfaction.
When compared to other types of couples therapy, like Behavioral Couples Therapy, EFT tends to produce stronger and more lasting results. EFT helps couples maintain better connections over the long term, while the effects of other therapies sometimes fade.
If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in the Pursue/Withdraw Cycle, EFT can be a powerful tool to help you understand the emotional dynamics at play and create healthier, more supportive ways of communicating. It’s never too late to work through these patterns and build a more loving, resilient relationship.
If you’re ready to take the next step in your relationship, I’d love to help. As an LMFT-A with training in Emotionally Focused Therapy, I work with couples to help them break free from unhealthy cycles and create deeper, more meaningful connections.
Maria Siqueiros, LMFT-Associate, is available for in-person and virtual sessions for individuals and couples. She works in our Flower Mound location. Feel free to reach out to schedule a session or learn more about how EFT can help you and your partner thrive.
The Healing Power of Nature: Integrating Elements into Mental Health Therapy Human beings are deeply interconnected with nature. This connection profoundly impacts our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. To harness this bond, therapeutic interventions often …
Agarrando el Toro por los Cuernos La Fortaleza Latina en la Terapia Como latinos, tenemos un dicho que refleja perfectamente nuestra determinación: “hay que agarrar el toro por los cuernos”. Esta frase captura la esencia …