relationship counseling

The Space of a Step

The Space of a Step

Making that first initial phone call to a therapist can be challenging. The mind can race faced with the issues that can drive us to therapy. Let’s examine some of the thoughts and questions that can persuade us to stay in our pain instead of reaching out for help.

Rebuilding Emotional Safety: Fair Fighting (Part 1)

Rebuilding Emotional Safety: Fair Fighting (Part 1)

Generally, rules and guidelines are designed to provide structure and a working understanding of how to act/behave in any given environment (i.e. rules for sports, traffic laws for drivers, and behavior expectations for employees). The same principle applies to the rules for fair fighting when it comes to couples.

First World Problems

Many of my clients that are coming in for relationship work have pointed out that their issues are “first world problems” and they shouldn’t complain so much. My canned response is that if we’re only allowed to seek help if no one on this planet has it worse than us, we’re all in big trouble. My extended thought on the matter goes much deeper. According to researchers, relationship problems are some of the most difficult issues we as humans face. Even therapists rate them as among the most difficult problems to treat. As human beings, we crave connectedness and human interaction. When our primary means of receiving those things is interrupted, or worse, imploding, our whole world can feel like it’s spinning out of control.

Also keep in mind that one of the primary indicators of whether children are healthy and successful adults is whether they had healthy parents in healthy relationships. This is the primary reason I became a couples therapist in the first place. I believe healthy romantic relationships are the building blocks of a healthy society. So if you feel selfish about wanting help with your relationship, try focusing on what it can do for your [future] children. I truly believe the best thing parents can do for their kids is model what a healthy committed romantic relationship looks like.

Finally, don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t settle for roommates, housemates, or coparents. All these types of relationships can be functional, but they’re certainly not optimal. Studies show the average couple waits 7 years after a problem first occurs before seeking help. You can imagine how many layers animosity and resentment can get in the way of solutions by then. Do yourself and your family a favor and don’t put it off any longer. Seek help from professionals who have been trained specifically for your relationship issues. I’ve seen it make life-changing differences in people’s lives. It won’t be easy, but the ends definitely justify the means.

I’m In a Relationship… So How Can I Feel So Alone?

“I try to connect with my partner, but he just shuts me down.  I have tried to share many times in the past the issues I have regarding my boss, but my partner just criticizes me for what I am not doing instead of listening to me.  Every time I talk to my wife, she just shames me for my decisions.  My partner is here, but I can’t talk to them.  I feel so alone.” 

Do any of the statements above sound similar to something you’ve experienced in your relationship?  Are you tired of trying to share your world with your partner and get shut down or shut out?  If so, you are in the right spot.  I hope my blog gives you a quick educational snippet of what emotional safety is and how, without it, relationships tend to suffer.

  1. What is Emotional Safety?
    Emotional safety refers to a state when an individual is able to be truly open and vulnerable in a relationship. When an individual feels emotionally safe, their social connections tend to thrive. When social connections are thriving, long-term relationships can be cultivated!

  2. How is Emotional Safety Disrupted in a Relationship?
    Threats to emotional safety in a relationship can come in all forms. From my experience, it is not the BIG arguments that cause couples to come into therapy. It is the SUBTLE threats that build and build over time that lead couples to question what has happened them. These subtle threats include: feeling attacked and then feeling the need to counterattack, shutting down, being judged, being criticized, and being shamed.\

  3. How Can Emotional Safety Be Rebuilt?
    Rebuilding emotional safety and reconnecting with your partner can be a daunting process. Here are just a few tips to rebuild emotional safety: effective communication, fair fighting, soft start up, acceptance, and love.

As research states, emotional safety is a key component of a long last relationship.  When a person’s mind and body feel safe, their connections and relationship tend to thrive.  If you and your partner are still feeling overwhelmed, please give me a call and I would love to help you rebuild the relationship you want and deserve!  

Work and Home Life Balance

The title may look a bit odd to you because the more common phrasing is "work/life balance." That's never felt right to me as it implies that life is what happens outside of work. However, most of us spend more of our waking hours at work than we do anywhere else. We do life at work and, whether we like to admit it or not, work also bleeds over into home life as well. I believe we should be trying to improve ourselves in all areas of life, including work. Problems arise when we 1) carry our work stress/habits into home life, 2) carry our home problems into work, or 3) try and be our “work selves” at home with our family.

Work is stressful whether it’s a 70-80 hour week, a flexible schedule working from home, or a stay at home parent. It’s understandable that you would share that with your partner. The goal here is to not take it out on them. Relationships are, in part, about helping each other carry burdens. I encourage partners to include their partners in all aspects of their life, but remember they are your ally, not a punching bag. Asking them about their day and helping shoulder their struggles is just as important as them helping you.

Likewise, issues in your personal life can’t help but affect how you behave and perform at work. If the home life is less than ideal, you can’t just turn that off when you head to the job site. However, this is what close friends and colleagues are for. Choose people who are supporters of not just you, but of your relationship, and do life with them. Ironically most of us do this one much better than the first issue as we all know we need to perform well at our job or soon we might not have one. Just think if we viewed our relationships with the same level of importance and urgency!

Finally, we all have our work persona that we carry into the office. Whether that’s the boss, managing people, taking orders, being direct, etc, what works in the workplace rarely works at home.* Your partner needs a flexible, caring, empathetic partner, not a task-oriented, directive-driven workhorse. Be attentive to how your partner’s needs may vary from your own and be mindful of how the behaviors that may make you an effective professional may not make you the most lovable partner.

I say all this not because I’m great at it, but because I too struggle with these very things. The important thing is recognizing where you struggle and getting help. Whether it’s your partner, a close friend, a family member, or a therapist, find someone that can help hold you accountable to being better!

Do Kids Kill Marriages?

In my experience as a marriage and family therapist, few things rock a relationship like having a child together. All of a sudden, you're no longer free to do as you please, when you please, and how you please. For many couples, one or both parents start to prioritize the children over the marriage. This can lead to the marriage becoming an afterthought and spouses feeling marginalized. Therefore, do kids kill marriages? Absolutely not, but parents often do. But they don't have to!I firmly believe, and plenty of research supports this position, that the best gift you can give a child is a healthy parental relationship. Children from intact homes, especially those containing healthy marriages, benefit financially, educationally, emotionally, and relationally. However, many first-time parents are often [understandably] so worried and focused on the child's well-being that their romantic relationship suffers. For lots of couples, this is a short term issue and the relationship bounces back by taking on a new but healthy form. However, for many parents the problem lingers and creates a rift for the couple over many years.Many couples will argue that the child depends on them for survival, so they have to make the child priority #1. I wholeheartedly agree. If you are neglecting your child's primary needs in order to focus on your relationship, then you are doing it wrong. I would never suggest you make plans for your marriage that would neglect your children. However, I would adamantly suggest you find ways to continue to make your marriage a priority and, at times, the priority. If your child is sick, hungry, tired, dirty, etc, you take the time and energy to make sure they are cared for and healthy, right? I'm only suggesting that you do the same for your relationship.As a father of twins, I can appreciate the lack of time and energy parents have when babies first arrive in the home. Therefore I'm not suggesting you go on date nights every night or have long walks on the beach every weekend. I'm suggesting you both figure out ways to make sure you are continuing to invest in the person with whom you chose to procreate. This can be as simple as eating dinner together each night, finding time to ask about each other's day at the end of the day, and asking for help watching the child so you two can spend some quality time together, even if just around the house or neighborhood. Grand gestures are nice, but they pale in comparison to small, consistent gestures on a daily basis. Dads ask Mom how you can be of help. Moms ask Dad how he's adjusting to fatherhood. Most importantly, be patient with each other as you figure out this process!Finally, don't be afraid to ask for help! Whether you've recently had a child, you're expecting, or you are years into this process, don't hesitate to reach out. Our team is well versed in walking couples through creating and maintaining a healthy relationship through life's challenges, including parenthood. There are plenty of excellent resources out there. You are not alone unless you choose to be. Children can be such a blessing for any couple and household, it just takes intentionality and help from others.