Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver wrote in, “What Makes Love Last? How To Build Trust And Avoid Betrayal” that *relationship killers are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasant conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection that seems unavailable from the partner. Trust is reestablished only when these areas are addressed and validated in one another.

Gottman and Silver’s 10 Ways to Betray a Lover

  1. One is having a shallow or conditional commitment. When couples ignore or avoid discussing deep issues, a shallow commitment is left. Intentionally talk about goals and dreams. It’s just as important as talking about the budget or the weekly and monthly calendar. Talking about our goals and dreams helps partners to feel like a team and seen as not just business partners running a household, but two committed people wanting a stronger bond and connection.

  2. Two, a nonsexual affair. If by what you’re doing, saying, texting, messaging, emailing or interacting/confiding in with another person would cause your partner to be uncomfortable, probably not a good idea. Be careful when you want to rekindle a past relationship on social media. In my experience, I have yet to hear someone in my office tell me that life was better because they chatted with an ex on social media or became ‘friends’. Innocent friendships are out in the open, encouraged, and have respected boundaries.  If you are turning outward to fill a void in the relationship, it’s time to turn inward and talk to your partner about your needs. Sometimes when you feel off in the relationship, so does the other partner.

  3. Lying is the third betrayal. Lies that are uttered to maintain the peace are a breach of trust.

  4. Forming a coalition against the partner is the fourth. When we turn to our family members and friends to gain approval or to alleviate our anxiety versus turning towards our partner, we do our relationship a huge disservice. Reparation can only happen when we keep our marital conflict in the marriage or in a confidential setting with a trusted therapist.

  5. Fifth is absenteeism or coldism. A committed relationship requires being there for each other both through life-changing traumas and everyday stresses. It also means sharing in the joys and good times as well. Remind your partner what a great wife or husband, mother or father, worker or person they are. “Atta girls”, and “Atta boys” don’t just apply to children. We, as adults, need affirming words and love pats too!

  6.  The sixth betrayal to your lover is withdrawing of sexual interest. Most couples, during some time in their relationship,  get stuck in a rut or allow distractions from life, work, kids, or stress to cause intimacy to take a pause. However, when there are deep rooted issues, a dwindling sex life cannot be easily started again. Do you cherish your partner? Do you compliment their body or when they dress up? Every person longs to be seen, connected and validated. Do you see your partner? Withdrawing from sexual intimacy is wounding unless it is addressed in an honest and loving way.

  7. Seven, disrespect. “Whatever your partner’s communication style, if he or she implies that you are inferior, you are being treated with disrespect. A loving relationship is not about one person having the upper hand—it’s about holding hands.” Subtle slights and name calling are not helpful and are damaging.

  8. Unfairness is number eight. There should be justice and equality in the relationship. If money is spent on his big TV, then money should also be spent on whatever an equal value of gym membership or item she wants. Who does most of the housework? Who handles the finances? How is child-raising viewed? Some issues may seem petty, but as Gottman and Silver address, and as I have seen as a clinician, big problems arise if an agreeable balance isn’t struck.  It’s important to keep the dialogue open about these and other ‘fairness’ issues.

  9. Nine is selfishness. At times, it is essential that one partner forfeit their needs to help their partner. Resentment will take hold if one partner is untrustworthy of providing for the family. Some examples Gottman gives are pitching a fit because the infant car seat won’t fit into a new sports car, resisting on cutting work hours, opening a college fund (he wants a motorboat), and availability for sex. Seeking help can help uncover triggers of needs and fears.

  10. Lastly, breaking promises. Having a joint savings account for an agreed upon decision like buying a house or going on vacation and one person begins spending that joint money. Religion can be another sore spot if both had a practicing faith throughout their marriage, and now one decides to change faith or not attend church at all.